i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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