I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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