Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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