yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
