So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
