shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
