wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This baby is an asshole
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
