do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
