I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
