My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
