My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
