this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The uberlube is also flammable
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
