How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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