JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
