you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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