At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
