I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
