I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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