your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
