I think my fart just growled at me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
