I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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