i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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