"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
