My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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