I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
