Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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