Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
