Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
