btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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