you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
