It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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