Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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