You smell like a Billy Joel song
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
