Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
