dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
