I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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