never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
