you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
