We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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