okay pat passed out under dana's car
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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