i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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