She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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