WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
