She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is my gift to your gina
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
