I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
