just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
