You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
