running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
