you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
