so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
